Dear person who eats out alone,

Is something wrong? Did you just get dumped? Fired? Parakeet died? What has driven you to such a sad and sorry state that you willfully opt to eat out at a fine dining establishment all alone?

I ask this because a devastated emotional state seems to me the only way for someone to cope with such an embarrassing outing. I can hardly bring myself to buy frozen pizza pockets or pre-made Hungry Man dinners when I’m shopping alone. But to sit down at a restaurant and eat alone? Not a chance in hell.

So, when you walk in, the hostess must ask you, “Are you waiting for anyone else?” There can’t possibly be an assumption that you’re dining alone? In fact, if I walked into a restaurant and someone assumed I was eating alone, I’d consider punching them in the stomach. Do I look like the kind of person who shovels food down my throat alone? No, I don’t fucking think so. And when you admit that you’re eating alone – with confidence? Shame? How do you admit that? – do you have to stare them in the face as they realize what a shmuck you are? Do you have to watch their eyes re-evaluate your entire existence as they realize their initial assumptions about you were entirely wrong? That must be really shitty for you. x